If you loved me then you would...........

This week as part of my Embrace online mindfulness/CBT/EFT course we are discussing relationships, with our partners, families, friends, colleagues and even strangers. While experiencing infertility it is so easy to feel isolated and to distance yourself from people when actually the opposite would be more beneficial. I thought I would to share with you one of the most valuable things I've learnt in my adult life that has allowed me to be happier and more fulfilled in my relationships:

“We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways – the ways we react and behave when we love someone.”¹

Just pause for a moment and really let that sink in. In short if your partner does not show you that they love you in the way that you need to be shown then you may believe they do not love you. The above statement completely changed the way I viewed my relationship with my partner.

Any statement beginning with "If you love me then you would.........." is assuming that they show love in the same way that you do. So you might feel that somebody loves you when they tell you that they love you, they hug you at least once a day or they do little things to show that they care like make you a cup of tea. This would work perfectly if your partner has the same values as you but if they feel that somebody loves them by big gestures such as expensive gifts, taking care of the big things in life and generally just being there with someone without needing to tell them all the time you might come up against problems.

The most common complaint we hear about relationships is “He/she just doesn't understand me.” If we knew how our partner shows love and how they like to be shown that they are loved our relationships would be a lot smoother. So to achieve this very thing I have created a relationship questionnaire.

To help open up communication between you and your partner each complete the following questions/statements, without asking the other for their answers. When you are done swap and talk through your answers. (I suggest handing your partner your sheet first and discussing before looking at his/hers.)

I've included the below as a PDF in the files section of the Mindful Muma-to-be support group page for easy printing. (To read more about our free online support group click here or sign up here.) 

'Mindful Muma-to-be offers a brilliant, confidential source of support and solidarity for women who are trying to conceive. I recommend it to women all over the world who want to connect with other women who really understand how it feels.' Jessica Hepburn Mindful Muma-to-be member and author of The Pursuit of Motherhood.

Embrace Relationship Questionnaire:

1. List the top five ways you like to be shown that you are loved: (i.e. hugs)
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2. List the top five ways you think your partner likes to be shown that they are loved:
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3. List three things that you appreciate about your partner:
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4. List three things that you think your partner appreciates about you:
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5. I think my partner would say that my most annoying habits are:

6. My partner's most annoying habits are:

7. I am least happy in our relationship when:

8. I am most happy in our relationship when: 

I tested this out with my husband and it was a really enlightening exercise to do as a couple, the Embrace ladies know the relevance of the photograph that accompanies this blog! I hope you gain something from doing it and would love to hear back from you. It also opens up communication to discuss what you are unhappy about in your relationship and what you could do to change that. You might hear yourself saying:

“But he/she should just know how to make me happy.”

I suggest removing the word should from your vocabulary, if you have never told your partner what you need how are they going to know? They are not a mind reader! Also wouldn't it be better to have one conversation which changed your relationship for the better than spend a lifetime thinking "He should do this!" "She should do that!"

The next Embrace course will start late April. Visit the Embrace page for full details, course content and more testimonials: 

“I'm really happy with the course so far - early each week I watch Naomi's excellent videos, then the EFT video the next day or nearby and 2-4 meditations a week. With some other bits thrown in from the suggestions. I've had a shocking few weeks of bad news and lowered resilience and the course has gotten me thinking quite a bit about which 'solutions' (for want of a better word) work best for me at different times. But I can see such a huge difference from now, since I've been consciously practising mindfulness, EFT, yoga and other nourishing activities to, say, last year, when I was in a whirlwind of very severe ups and downs which I wasn't easily able to support myself with. I'm also loving the fact that the course is relevant to life and not just fertility as I know I can come back to any of the week's practices and see them as relevant at any point.” Emily Embrace member

1 John Grey. Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. A practical guide for improving communication in getting what you want in your relationships. HarperCollins publishers 1992.