The Unborn Mother

Nothing has changed yet I am completely different

I may look the same. Same body. Same life.

But inside my heart is broken

My belly is bruised and bloated from the nightly needles

My vein punctured from the sucking syringe

My eyes are hollow, empty

Nothing is real anymore. Nothing matters.

I close my eyes and shut out the world

So it is just me and you

My little unborn non-existent baby

You did not stay. You did not grow

Did you choose to up and go?

Did no one tell you how you would be loved and kissed?

Did no one tell you how much you would be missed?

My little unborn non-existent baby.

No one told me, of this waiting, wanting.

Thousands of poems and songs to describe unrequited romantic love

But what of a mothers love when that mother does not yet exist?

The unborn mother. Waiting. Wanting.

No one told me that my wanton empty womb would crave you

No one told me that I would miss you

This deeply, this consumingly.

Nothing has changed yet I am completely different.

Everything I cared about is insignificant

The endless talk, the noise of work

And friends and family

Nothing matters, their lives go on.

My life goes on

But yours has stopped

Did it ever start?

They told me not to but your birthday is etched across my mind

At what point of loss is it acceptable to grieve for you?

To some any number under 12 is not a baby, but a fingers crossed noncommittal half promise of a baby

Less than 8 and you are just a fleeting visitor

Under 4 and you may be labelled as just a chemical miscalculation

And if you only ever existed in my mind?

Does that mean I cannot grieve for the you that never was?

I have never been pregnant, yet I have been pregnant 21 times

Pregnant until proven otherwise

No booze, no blue cheese, no horseriding, skydiving, saunas!

You did not stay. You did not grow

Did you choose to up and go?

Did no one tell you how you would be loved and kissed?

Did no one tell you how much you would be missed?

My little unborn non-existent baby.

People tell me not to think of you and you will come

But they won’t tell me how

Would they tell an alcoholic not to think about drink?

I try but it is impossible not to count to 9 and hope

A spring, summer, autumn, winter baby

Nothing to do but press on with the next round of hormones

But not just yet, let me take a moment to say goodbye.

Nothing is real anymore. Nothing matters.

I close my eyes and shut out the world

So it is just me and you

My little unborn non-existent baby

You did not stay. You did not grow

Did you choose to up and go?

Did no one tell you how you would be loved and kissed?

Did no one tell you how much you would be missed?

My little unborn non-existent baby

Nothing has changed yet I am completely different

An unborn mother

I wrote this last year after my second stimulated IUI fail. A year on and I’ve just started an IVF cycle and I can truly say nothing has changed, I am still not a mother, I still live in the same house, am married to the same man, yet I am completely different. Mindfulness and the other mind body techniques I have been studying are allowing me to face this cycle with a strength I did not possess last year. I am not saying that I’m not still vulnerable, angry, upset, but instead of these being my only emotions I can allow myself to step back and take each day, each injection as it comes. 

Sending love to everyone out there who is also, as yet, an unborn mother xxxxxxxx