I'll be happy when I'm pregnant vs What can I do to feel better right now?

I’ll be happy when I’m pregnant. I’ll see those two little lines and all the anxiety, worry and grief of the last few years will be lifted like a huge weight from my shoulders. I will heave a great sigh of relief and feel like I can breathe again. I will have a permanent grin on my face, the world will become a beautiful rosy place and the sun will always shine!

I think I am more likely to take another deep breath in and start to hold my breath again, waiting to get to the ‘safe zone’ of the 12 week scan. Our mother’s generation did not believe that they were pregnant until they had missed 3 periods and (I wish I didn’t have to write this but as the 5 foot poster at Finsbury Park station shouts at me) 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. Devastatingly we also all know people who have gone much longer than 12 weeks and still not made it to the medical establishments ‘goal’ of a live birth.

So let’s start again, I’ll be happy when I’m leaving the hospital with my healthy bouncing baby. But the first few months are so overwhelming, I’ll be happy when he/she is a bit more robust and crawling…..…maybe walking….…maybe driving!

My mum will never stop being my gran’s baby, her youngest, in turn I will never stop being my mum’s baby and I will never stop loving and worrying about my child no matter what age. There is no destination to be reached in parenthood, a point in time when you can sit back and say “I’ve made it”, parenthood is a journey to be experienced.

Therefore I have a choice, spend my entire life in a state of perpetual anxiety or, if only for a few precious moments at a time, release the past and gently let go of my expectations and worries about the future and just exist in this moment, the present moment. In truth we only ever live in the present, our past is made up of thousands of present moments strung together and the future never arrives, it is always just now.

Ask yourself why do you want a child? The essence of any answer you give will boil down to:

“I want to be happy, to feel content in my life.”

If we envisage having a child to be a source of joy and we know that once we have a child there is no end-point, no goal other than to enjoy and experience parenthood itself, then does it not make sense that we should strive to feel happy and content on the journey to parenthood as well? Some of you may be shaking your heads and saying this is simply not possible when dealing with infertility. I’ve been there, I’ve been in a place where nothing can lift the darkness of what I am experiencing and everything that used to make me happy has no relevance as described in my poem “The Unborn Mother”. 

It was a real eye-opener when a dear friend said to me:

“It sounds like what you are experiencing is grief.”

I have not experienced a miscarriage, I’m yet to see a positive pregnancy test, so what am I grieving for? When I started to think about it, it was so many things, the baby I have not yet conceived, the old me, my life before infertility, our relationship before infertility. A quick Google search brought up the five stages of grief.

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

This completely changed the way I viewed how I felt, this was normal, it was okay to feel like this. The model is not a set of rules for how everybody experiences a traumatic life experience, nor is it the set order in which you may experience these emotions, but it gave me something to work with. It meant that whenever I found myself back in a dark spot instead of panicking and thinking “I can’t cope with feeling like this” I could be sure that it would just be a matter of time before I shifted into a different emotional state. I felt like I was on a merry-go-round of the first four emotions, denial – “This cannot be happening to me”, anger “This is not fair what have I done to deserve this?” Bargaining “Just let me be pregnant this month and I promise that I will………” and depression where nothing felt real anymore.

Mindfulness is the key that allows me to reach a place of acceptance time and time again and it feels like a sigh of relief, I stop fighting what is. Acceptance of infertility does not mean in any way giving up my dream of being a parent. For me acceptance means being able to focus on the next stage of my journey. I had to come to a place of acceptance in order to proceed with IVF. I fought this step for months as I desperately wanted to conceive naturally. I cycled through each of the stages, denial that IVF was possibly the only way we would conceive, anger that this was so, bargaining, just a few more months it might happen and a major low after the doctors told me that if I did not commence IVF then I was risking the cysts returning and I may loose my ovaries. I needed to accept this reality in order to begin treatment rather than denying and resisting it.

We usually take it for granted that we are not in control of our emotions and for the most part our emotions control us. Mindfulness teaches us to notice how we are thinking and feeling and gives us the power to step back and realise that although we may not have a choice about what is happening to us, we do have a choice on how we respond to that situation. Mindfulness is in essence about coming to that place of neutral, the natural acceptance that being in the present moment brings. You are then in a position to move forward, making informed decisions from a balanced standpoint.

Sometimes what you really need is to accept that you feel angry, upset, jealous! I spent so long trying to fight how I felt, trying to talk myself out of it. Accept that you feel how you feel right now and you may find that the feeling eases. The 3 Minute Time Out exercise is perfect for this as is EFT, journaling or screaming! 

Preparing an action plan of how to best take care of myself was part of my mindfulness course. You create a list of activities/mindful practices that will help you to keep happy but also to deal with negative situations/thoughts. My list includes activities such as writing, ringing my friends and having my own theme tune on standby! In films any change of mood is enhanced by a change in soundtrack. It is impossible for me not to feel at least slightly better after listening to “Rain on my Parade” really loudly! Listen/watch now for an instant pick me up!  (If you have not seen the film our leading lady has just decided to join her lover who is taking a cruiser to Europe - hence the tugboat! This girl will not give up and neither will I.) 

The trick is to not attempt to jump straight from anxiety to happiness, but to aim to shift your mood to a lighter one than your current standpoint. I’ve come to realise that when I have been unable to lift my mood I was just trying to make too big a leap! When you are feeling particularly angry trying to jump to happiness is like trying to go from 5^th to 1^st gear, you stall and it does not feel comfortable. Just do anything you can to ease how you feel. Ask the question “What can I do to feel less sh*t right now?”

Here is a scale of our emotions:

Love / Joy / Empowerment

Happiness

Gratitude

Optimism

Contentment

Neutral - Acceptance

Boredom

Pessimism

Anxiety

Anger

Jealousy

Grief / Fear / Powerlessness

There are obviously many more that I could add to the list but the above gives you an idea and allows you to place yourself somewhere on the ladder, your aim is simply to shift from where you to a slightly better feeling.

Keeping a gratitude journal has been really helpful for me. Each evening I list five things that I am grateful for. I started with the big things like my partner and family and then kept adding to the journal with anything and everything I am grateful for in life. My list includes the film Moulin Rouge, it's soundtrack and Ewan McGregor! You can include really simple things like gratitude for the dinner you have just had or the fact that the sun was shining. This can be really hard when you’re down, but it does help. A few weeks in and you will have a journal full of all the things you are grateful for in life and the book itself is a visual reminder of this. 

In this journal is a statement I never thought I would write: 

Today I am grateful for my infertility! 

That is not to say that I don’t want it (infertility) to end immediately, but I would not rewind time to when we first started trying. If Marty McFly pulled up in the Delorean with the offer I would decline. I am so proud of myself for all the changes I have made and I wouldn’t give that up.

This journey has been the most difficult of my life and is not yet over, I am yet to be pregnant but it has also changed my life. I have changed the way I think about myself, about my relationships and about life. 

I can now honestly say that I love and accept myself exactly as I am which is the complete opposite of a year ago when I could not meet my eye in the mirror as I hated myself and my body so much for failing me.

I am retraining and building a new career, one that I love, one that allows me to inspire and support others. My lifestyle is drastically different, I used to travel the country and work long hours arriving home exhausted and irritable. I lived my life on fast forward and only truly relaxed on holiday. I now work from home, walk in the woods every lunchtime and am attending college. 

I am now truly grateful for all the good in my life whereas before I could only focus on the lack of. If I had fallen pregnant when we first started trying then my life now would be very very different. I believe that this journey has sculpted me into a better parent for my future children and even though I still have very low moments when fear creeps in, I am certainly a happier person overall. 

I hope that this gives you inspiration and hope that you too can learn to embrace your journey to motherhood and remember, infertility is not a thing, in a way it is not real, it is simply a label of a period of time between when you decide to be a parent and when you actually get to be one xxxxxxxxx

I have included a list of activities/mindful practices/inspiring talks/websites/videos that help to lift my mood in the files section of the Mindful Mumas-to-be group page or email me if you would like a copy.

Also see my blogs on coping with jealousy, depression and negative self-talk.

Sniffing and Injecting: Coping with IUI / IVF part one

Here is a collection of advice from myself and other members of Mindful Mumas-to-be, I will be adding more to this blog over the coming weeks but for now a few tips for coping with IUI/IVF:

~ Knowledge: Get yourself clued up to what exactly is involved. I would recommend this INUK factsheet and official medical websites for the basics and ask your hospital for as much information as possible as all hospitals seem to have slightly different protocol. Note that what someone on a forum is experiencing may not be your treatment plan/experience. What to expect before you are expecting has a short chapter on IVF or you could get Kate Brian’s book The Complete Guide to IVF 

~ Take one step at a time: Each stage of IVF should be celebrated as you “jump through the hoops” as my hubby says. Each injection is taking you one step closer on your family building journey. Be proud of yourself for completing each step. This should also be remembered if treatment does not succeed. Try not to view any treatment as a failure, there is much you can learn, obviously easier said than done. Advice and suggestions are very welcome on this point and all aspects of treatment, I would like to build this blog post up into a practical and inspiring resource for all those about to commence treatment.

~ Overcoming any fear of needles: This was a biggy for me and EFT helped tremendously. I am writing a specific EFT script for IUI/IVF injections, which includes the statements:

“Even though I have a fear of needles I deeply and completely love and accept myself.”

“Even though it is not fair that I have to do injections in order to get pregnant, I completely forgive and accept myself anyway.”

“Even though I absolutely hate injections, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.”

Until then you can tap along with either of these Needle Phobia for IVF or EFT needles video. If you have not used EFT before then check out the resources section on my blog for links to free tutorials. 

~ Numbing: I experimented with using numbing cream on my belly before doing injections, you can buy this from your local chemist. It means you cannot feel the needle going in. The same can be achieved by an ice cube on your belly for 10 minutes. I recommend putting the ice cube in a sandwich bag so cold water does not run down your belly!

~ Get your partner involved: My husband prepares and does my injections for me. I feel happier knowing he is in charge and like the fact that he is involved in the process.

~ Rewards: Every evening after my injection I have dairy free chocolate ice cream as a reward. This has been so successful that now when I think 'injection' my mind thinks 'ice cream'! We also watch an episode of one of our favourite comedies to get us laughing, currently Gavin and Stacey.

~ Sniffing: My down-regulation has all been with injections, but some members have used sniffers (it depends on your hospital/clinic) and advise to have a glass of water ready following inhalation, oh and a piece of chocolate!

~ Assume and Affirm: Once you understand all the risks and success rates etc assume the best in a relaxed way, i.e. not demanding that it will work just being open to the possibility that it may work. This could be it! Again easier said than done, but I am a big fan of affirmations and find the following are helping me:

“My body is responding perfectly to all medications.”

“My body loves these new hormones!”

“I am feeling strong, calm and confident.”

“Every day I am a step closer to meeting my baby.”

“I can do this! I am doing this!”
"This too shall pass."

A warning note on affirmations/positive thinking, if you are stating an affirmation that makes you feel in any way anxious, upset or angry, then stop using it! For example stating “I am pregnant now” or “This IVF will work” are unlikely to make you feel empowered if at the same time you are feeling anxious and desperate for it to work. Affirmations should make you feel excited, empowered and above all happy. A good starting point is:

“I wonder if I will get pregnant this cycle.”

Which opens you up to the possibility of it working and therefore can allow you to feel excited or:

“When I am pregnant I will feel…………”

Insert your own feelings and really revel in what that will feel like. For more on affirmations see the Mindful Mumas-to-be and Me page and blog post Are you willing to love your future child unconditionally?

A quick disclaimer: Mindful Muma-to-be members and I cannot and will not take any responsibility for you. I/we are not medically trained and all information posted is purely to share personal experiences and to inspire. If you choose to make use of any of the information shared you agree to take full responsibility for your own well-being. 
EFT can be learned and self applied by almost anyone, and although no side effects have been noted, if you have a diagnosed psychiatric disorder you may want to consult the advice of a skilled EFT professional and your doctor, as you would with all therapy use.

The Unborn Mother

Nothing has changed yet I am completely different

I may look the same. Same body. Same life.

But inside my heart is broken

My belly is bruised and bloated from the nightly needles

My vein punctured from the sucking syringe

My eyes are hollow, empty

Nothing is real anymore. Nothing matters.

I close my eyes and shut out the world

So it is just me and you

My little unborn non-existent baby

You did not stay. You did not grow

Did you choose to up and go?

Did no one tell you how you would be loved and kissed?

Did no one tell you how much you would be missed?

My little unborn non-existent baby.

No one told me, of this waiting, wanting.

Thousands of poems and songs to describe unrequited romantic love

But what of a mothers love when that mother does not yet exist?

The unborn mother. Waiting. Wanting.

No one told me that my wanton empty womb would crave you

No one told me that I would miss you

This deeply, this consumingly.

Nothing has changed yet I am completely different.

Everything I cared about is insignificant

The endless talk, the noise of work

And friends and family

Nothing matters, their lives go on.

My life goes on

But yours has stopped

Did it ever start?

They told me not to but your birthday is etched across my mind

At what point of loss is it acceptable to grieve for you?

To some any number under 12 is not a baby, but a fingers crossed noncommittal half promise of a baby

Less than 8 and you are just a fleeting visitor

Under 4 and you may be labelled as just a chemical miscalculation

And if you only ever existed in my mind?

Does that mean I cannot grieve for the you that never was?

I have never been pregnant, yet I have been pregnant 21 times

Pregnant until proven otherwise

No booze, no blue cheese, no horseriding, skydiving, saunas!

You did not stay. You did not grow

Did you choose to up and go?

Did no one tell you how you would be loved and kissed?

Did no one tell you how much you would be missed?

My little unborn non-existent baby.

People tell me not to think of you and you will come

But they won’t tell me how

Would they tell an alcoholic not to think about drink?

I try but it is impossible not to count to 9 and hope

A spring, summer, autumn, winter baby

Nothing to do but press on with the next round of hormones

But not just yet, let me take a moment to say goodbye.

Nothing is real anymore. Nothing matters.

I close my eyes and shut out the world

So it is just me and you

My little unborn non-existent baby

You did not stay. You did not grow

Did you choose to up and go?

Did no one tell you how you would be loved and kissed?

Did no one tell you how much you would be missed?

My little unborn non-existent baby

Nothing has changed yet I am completely different

An unborn mother

I wrote this last year after my second stimulated IUI fail. A year on and I’ve just started an IVF cycle and I can truly say nothing has changed, I am still not a mother, I still live in the same house, am married to the same man, yet I am completely different. Mindfulness and the other mind body techniques I have been studying are allowing me to face this cycle with a strength I did not possess last year. I am not saying that I’m not still vulnerable, angry, upset, but instead of these being my only emotions I can allow myself to step back and take each day, each injection as it comes. 

Sending love to everyone out there who is also, as yet, an unborn mother xxxxxxxx

Laparoscopy Preparation and Packing List

Due to endometriosis and ovarian cysts I had a laparoscopy and bilateral ovarian cystectomy in June in preparation for IVF. I was petrified and had put the operation off for months in the hope that I would get pregnant and then not have to deal with going into hospital and have someone play with my ovaries! My mindfulness practice was indispensable in the run-up and on the day of the op and as it turned out the day was mainly relaxing! Dotted with moments of anxiety, boredom, pain and gratitude but on the whole relaxing. Before learning how to be mindful I would have written off the entire day (if not the weeks preceding and following) as horrible, time to be got through as quickly as possible and then forgotten. Mindfulness teaches you to split each day into moments and to observe rather than judge your experiences. Unless you are in extreme pain with no access to painkillers it is highly unlikely that an entire day can be excruciatingly awful. If you break the day down into moments you may find there is even humour and kindness in the day. I was looked after by a fleet of amazing nurses who, on seeing how scared I was, became my own distraction team telling me funny stories. There were parts of the day and night, as I ended up taking longer than expected to come round after the anaesthetic and having to stay the night, that were horrible but by focusing my breathing and the bigger picture, which is having a baby, I coped.

Preparation:

Paperwork - Your doctor should run through the whole procedure in advance and Google, the Infertility Network website and forums can be good to research and prepare a list of any questions to go through with your doctor.

Mindfulness - For me meditation really helped me to stay calm in the run-up and on the day of the op. I use various guided meditations and I also listened to Paul McKenna’s confidence hypnotherapy tape. I have put some links to free meditations and information on mindfulness on the resources page of this blog: 

Affirmations - I love affirmations, they make me feel better when my head is all over the place, I used the following in the weeks before and after my op:

“Every hand that touches me is a healing hand.”

“I am so proud of you, you are so brave. I know that you are scared, but this is the right step to take towards pregnancy and becoming a mother.”

“My body is getting stronger and healthier with every breath that I take.”

“My ovaries and womb are perfect.”

After my op: “I have nothing to do today other than to heal and to be happy.”

Emotional Freedom Technique - I used tapping with the set up statement:

“Even though I am scared of the operation and of losing control, I deeply and profoundly love and respect myself.

Check out this website for free videos and information: www.thetappingsolution.com

On the day - I got up early to have breakfast just before the start of the fast time. I had a bath and washed my hair so I didn’t have to worry about it for a few days after my op. At the hospital I asked for numbing cream on the back of my hand before the anaesthetic. You need to put this on an hour before going to theatre so ask when you first arrive on the ward and preferably in advance.

Packing list:

Ipod - I packed my iPod full of guided meditations, funny pod-casts and my favourite music. I listened to it continuously from leaving home until going to theatre and then once I woke up.

Pillow - Mainly to put over your belly under the seat belt for the car/taxi ride home, but I also used mine under my knees in hospital as this position allows you to relax the muscles in your abdomen.

Socks - Preferably with the non-elastic tops to allow for correct blood flow. My acupuncturist also recommends these while trying as anything that stops circulation to your feet will also be impeding your abdomen.

Overnight bag - Even though you will probably just be in for the day I would recommend taking everything you need to get a good nights sleep even if it is to just grab a couple of hours shut eye in the afternoon. Hospitals are very noisy and very bright. I was so pleased I had packed an eye-mask/earplugs/nightie/toothbrush/face wipes/tissues.

Peppermint tea and wind ease tablets - Some ladies experience pain from the trapped gas that they pump into you to separate your organs. This was my main complaint after my first lap when I was 20 but this time I started popping wind settlers about an hour after I came round (on the go ahead of the nurse) and did not have any pain at all from gas.

Maternity Trousers - If you have not heard me say it before I’ll say it again: If you have endometriosis, IBS, are going through fertility treatments, surgery or just don’t like anything tight on your belly get yourself down to H&M and buy yourself some maternity trousers. My Mum-to-be jeans are now my favourite item in my wardrobe, why would I ever go back to muffin tops when these look like regular jeans with a big fabric belt that can be covered by my top! Either these, jogging bottoms, yoga pants or a big sack like dress so you have nothing tight on your belly to go home in.

Slip-on shoes - You will not be wanting to bend down to do up laces.

STs - There is a chance you may have some light bleeding afterwards and they request that you do not use tampons.

Phone and charger - I thought that you are not allowed to use phones in hospitals but you can on the wards and it was really nice to be able to text my family and friends after the op to let them know I was okay.

Pen and paper - I find journalling very healing, you can also use it to jot down any questions for the doctor, and notes about any prescriptions etc.

Food - Since I’m following a gluten-free diet and eat extremely regularly I took my own food and asked them to put it in the ward fridge. Be aware that your throat maybe sore due to the anaesthetic so easy to swallow foods are good. Listen to your body when you feel like eating as some people are sick with the first food after anaesthetic. Take little nibbles and wait a few minutes to see what your body wants. I also took boiled sweets to suck on and herbal teas.

Water - I usually drink filtered tap water, but I found after the anaesthetic I was really sensitive to the chlorine in the water so wish I’d taken my own bottled water as you have to drink a lot when you come round to re-hydrate your body. Again I would recommend sipping  small amounts of water constantly rather than having to drink full glasses on demand if your blood pressure is too low for you to be released.

After the op:

Pain relief - Don’t be afraid of asking for painkillers if you need them, do not wait until you are in pain, as soon as you feel uncomfortable ask for some. I try not to take painkillers normally, but in this scenario you need them in order to allow your body to relax and heal. I would also recommend keeping a personal record of what you have had at what time as one nurse was convinced I had had a full dose on the last round when I’d actually been missed and was in need of relief.

Walking - They will encourage you to get up and walk around ASAP to help move the gas out of your body. I had trapped gas and it looked like the scene from aliens as my belly was pulsating and looking like something was trying to break out! Do not overdo it! I walked to the end of the ward and back and then nearly fainted. Listen to your body.

Time Off - I recommend taking a week off afterwards even if you feel okay to let your body relax and heal. They prescribed painkillers for me for a month as I had cysts and endo removed but I stop taking the really strong ones after five days as they were making me feel sick and stopped the paracetamol after 10 days. Everyone takes different times to heal and it would depend on what you had done. If you can make the most of the time off catch up on your reading/watching and ensure you have someone to look after you have released the first day to treat you like a princess!

Dissolvable stitches – These are supposed to dissolve within 3 to 4 weeks. My stitches did not dissolve and were irritating my skin so I went to see the nurse at my GPs to have them removed.

I hope this helped, please do email me any feedback or items you think might be helpful to others to add to the list.

Mindful Muma-to-be xxxx 

PS This combination of packing lists and advice is great too http://amberrains.wordpress.com/laparoscopy-checklist/

Hands up who is jealous of Kate? Coping with jealousy while trying to conceive/experiencing infertility

This post was originally going to be called “Green Eyed Scary Lady!” but I decided to adapt it as, unless you live in a cave, you will know that Kate Middleton as was has had her baby and even though that has absolutely nothing to do with my own journey or yours for that matter, it might still of made you pause when you heard the news.

Jealousy, a very human trait, but one we fight against, none more so than while trying to conceive. Every bump or baby we encounter can feel like a punch in the chest, winding us, causing us to stumble. When that bump (or baby) belongs to a close friend or family member the emotional storm inside of us can be debilitating.  We can feel envious, inadequate, upset, confused, even grief stricken. Why them and not me? You then feel awful for having these feelings.

At times, distancing yourself from encounters can be essential as a survival technique and many TTC websites suggest avoiding baby showers and situations involving children in order to protect yourself.

I have given up so many things in my quest to become a mother; caffeine, dairy, gluten, alcohol, to name but a few. I also lost many things for a time, my self-confidence, my trust in myself, my body and my faith in life. However I refuse to give up or to lose my friends.

I love my friends’ children; they are miniature versions of the people I care most about. I spent much of last week in the company of friends with children. I take great joy in the games I play with those children. I love the fact that my friend’s baby is comfortable enough with me to fall asleep on my chest. I cherish the fact that a two-year-old greeted me using my school nickname as that is what her mum calls me and Friday afternoon was spent on a trampoline with two small excitable boys and I had just as much fun as they did.

The joy I take from these encounters far outweighs the difficult emotions which inevitably surface. Yes, it is difficult being around children when I desperately want them myself. Yes, it brings home the longing, the wanting and the lack, but my grief will not be any less acute, my situation would not be any different if I’d stayed at home.

I can be doing something completely unrelated to pregnancy and children, like dancing in a club and having a fantastic time when out of nowhere a little unwanted thought will rise up and be just as painful as walking past a group of new mums in a cafe.

The fact is that until I am pregnant I need to deal with the fact that I am not pregnant! I need coping strategies:

1. Be honest with yourself:

Part of my mindfulness practice is to stretch. The phrase “Yoga is not about touching your toes, it is about what we learn on the way down” sums it up perfectly. When you stretch your body to the point of resistance you are learning your boundaries. The idea is not to strain, but to find that point of resistance and breath into it for a few moments to fully experience it, and then gently back off. We can use the same tool in scenarios when encountering emotional resistance. Learn your boundaries.

If you are in any given scenario and overwhelming emotions arise simply remove yourself from the situation for a time. Practice the “3 minute time out” exercise (blog post 21^st April) and really allow your emotions to surface. It is okay to cry. It is okay to admit that you are jealous. It is perfectly understandable and natural. Be with your feelings. You may find that after a time, you are strong enough to continue your game of hide and seek and take pleasure from it.

2. Be honest with others:

This leads on to being honest with your friends and family. We can fall into the trap of seeming positive and upbeat when inside we are silently screaming. No one can truly understand how we are feeling but by sharing a little you may help to protect yourself from well-intentioned but painful comments. The family member who tells you to hurry up and have a baby before it is too late or the friend with a newborn who says you are lucky that you get to sleep at night. You don’t need to give them the whole story, but maybe a comment such as “You know it’s not as easy for some people just to decide to have a baby, these things can take time.” Or to friends who know you are trying “Most of the time I’m okay, but some days I just want to curl up under my duvet and I find it really difficult to stay strong.” You could send this blog to your friends and say that this is a little bit like how you are feeling.

3. Other people’s ballet pumps:

Everyone, no matter who they are, has their own difficulties and worries. You may look at someone who is heavily pregnant or who has a baby and think that they have everything, but unless you walk a mile in their shoes you do not know the entire story. Take Kate for example, she has a new bouncing baby boy, lives in a palace and has hair so beautiful that it makes even Jennifer Aniston envious! But we will never know the full story; she was married for 18 months before she conceived, were they trying for the entire time? Did she go through fertility treatments? Did she suffer a miscarriage? Whenever jealousy has you in its grip, take a deep breath and put yourself in the other person’s shoes, you will be amazed at how much this simple technique can help.

4. Don’t see babies as babies:

This one helps me the most when I feel myself judging other people’s parenting choices, you know, when you say to yourself “Why do they have a child when they obviously do not want them?” Imagine that child in 16 years time, giving that parent grief and getting their own back! This also helps to remind you that you don’t want just any baby, you want your baby, that person who will be in your life for your entire life.

5. The “Yes please” game:

This one can be really hard to start with but when you get into the habit of doing it it is really fun and can be a lifesaver. Instead of seeing every bump or baby as a reminder of what you do not have, use them as a reminder of what you want and say, “Yes please!”

If you have read any positive psychology books you will know that this is highly recommended for lifting your mood and moving towards what you want in life. The idea being that if you see the things you want and only register the lack of them in your own life you are putting yourself on a downward spiral that can lead to anxiety and depression. By saying yes to the things you want and imagining that you too can have them, you are putting yourself on an upward spiral, which is altogether more fun.

An example for you; every year I go on holiday with my husband, gran, parents and uncle to the seaside and every year I tell myself that next year I will be bringing our gorgeous baby with us. For the third summer Aunt Flo joined us instead and this year I was in the beach toilets. I stepped out of the cubicle to find not one but two heavily pregnant young ladies in front of me, in string bikinis! I had two choices, the first to turn round back into the cubicle and have a good cry or to say “Yes please, that will be me in eight months time, but possibly without the string bikini!” I went for the second option. I’m not saying it’s easy and sometimes it can take all of your strength, but it is so worth it.

6. Stop expecting life to be fair:

I went through a period of using the phrase “It’s not fair!” almost continuously. “It’s not fair that some women get pregnant when they do not even want a child.” “It’s not fair that I have to go through tests, injections, surgery and treatment and some people get pregnant on their first try.” “It’s not fair that some women have ten children and we don’t have any.” My husband simply said: “Why do you expect life to be fair?”

Life is not fair, shit happens to lovely people every day. The trick is not to be weighed down by this fact, but to change your perspective. Instead of stamping your foot and crying, “It’s not fair!” whenever life throws you a curveball instead see each challenge as an opportunity to learn and grow.

On my journey I have learnt to be proud of myself, really proud of myself for who I am not what I do. I have learnt to accept my current situation while acknowledging my feelings. I have learnt to really love and listen to my body. I have learnt to communicate on a new level with my husband. I have learnt that I will not crumble, that I have an inner strength and I have learnt that I can be happy on this journey.

I would love to hear what strategies you use and if you find any of the above helpful, do join our online community and share your experiences. 

This summer I promise myself:

♥ To allow my first thoughts on waking to be ones of gratitude for the day ahead.

♥ To greet myself in the mirror with: “Good morning beautiful, I am so, so proud of you for taking the time this summer to really take care of yourself. Well done. I love you so much.”

♥ To accept that I am where I am and to see each day as a new beginning.

♥ To take every chance I can to live each moment of my day mindfully.

♥ To let go of my fears and anxieties for the future, to trust in myself and in my ability to handle everything in my life.

♥ To listen to the music I love while going about my daily activities.

♥ To keep myself well hydrated and to remember to breathe!

♥ To take an I♥Me minute to stop, breathe and reconnect with my body once an hour.

♥ To nourish my body with pure nutritious food and to give thanks for every meal.

♥ To take time to laugh and to play every day.

♥ To smile at myself and say “Well done!” every time I catch my reflection in a mirror.

♥ To do at least 1 kind thing for someone else and 1 kind thing for myself each day.

♥ To release my need to judge others, situations or myself.

♥ To choose to see all the good there is in life.

♥ To talk only of the joys in my life and to rejoice in the good fortune of others.

♥ To ask for support every day and to accept it willingly.

♥ To replace. “I should” with “I could if I choose” and know that I always have choice in my actions and reactions.

♥ To take 2 I♥Me minutes to stop, breathe and reconnect with my body whenever I feel tense or overwhelmed.

♥ To replace activities that deplete me with activities that nourish me.

♥ To end the day with the affirmation: “I willing to learn and grow each day. I am patient with myself and accept myself just as I am.”

♥ To give my body as much sleep as it needs to thrive.

♥ To allow my last thoughts at night to be ones of gratitude for today and for tomorrow.

5 days a week I promise myself:

♥ To make 20 I♥Me minutes at the start of the day to meditate and visualise my future.

♥ To spend 20 I♥Me minutes exercising outside, be that walking, yoga or another activity that makes me feel revived.

♥ To spend 20 I♥Me minutes journaling. 10 minutes writing in a releasing journal all negative thoughts and feelings and 10 minutes in a gratitude journal giving thanks for every positive in my life however small.

1 day a week I promise myself:

♥ To spend 60 I♥Me minutes doing something purely for the love of it.

♥ To spend 60 I♥Me minutes taking action to move myself forward in an area of my life I would like to change.

These are my personal promises I am aspiring to this summer. Join Mindful Mumas-to-be for a PDF version to download and print or adapt with your own promises. 

Three Minute Time Out

Do you have a spare three minutes? If your answer is:

“No not really. I have so many other things to be doing, I don’t really have time to be reading this!”

Then this post is written for you!

I used to spend my life on fast forward. I was always busy, always doing and I loved it. I thrived by achieving and I got a high from ticking things off my list. I worked in project management, so timescales, deadlines and planning every last detail was my job and was becoming my life. My social life was scheduled with the same degree of organisation and “Work hard, play hard” was my motto. But you can only run for so long before your body gets tired. My doctor suggested the Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction course when my health deteriorated and I was having panic attacks.

One of the most useful techniques from the course, and one that I use on a daily basis, is the three-minute breathing space, which I will share with you now.

The three-minute breathing space 
Thank you to Dr Carla Croft for her permission to use this text from her MBSR course 

Minute 1: Awareness and acknowledging

Bring yourself into the present moment by deliberately adopting an erect and dignified posture. If possible, close your eyes. Then bring the focus of awareness to your inner experience and ask “What is going on for me right now…..in bodily sensations…..in thoughts….and in feelings?”

In may be helpful to put experiences into words, e.g., say in your mind “A feeling of anger is arising” or “Self-critical thoughts are here.” As best you can, fully register and acknowledge your experience, even if it is unwanted, instead of turning away. Accept all of your experiences in the body, emotions and thoughts, and stay with them for a few seconds, allowing any negative feelings or experiences to be present.

Minute 2: Gathering

Then gently focus your full attention to your breathing. Experience fully each in-breath and each out-breath, as they follow, one after the other.

Try noting, at the back of your mind;  “breathing in….breathing out…” or counting each breath “inhaling, one……exhaling, one”. Focus on your breath for one minute, which for most people is 12 breaths.

Your breath can function as an anchor to bring you into the present and help you tune into a state of awareness and stillness.

Minute 3: Expanding Awareness

Expand your awareness around your breathing to the whole body, and the space it takes up, as if your whole body is breathing. Include especially any sense of discomfort, tension or resistance. If these sensations are present, then take your awareness there by “breathing in to them” on the in-breath. Then breathe out from the sensations, softening and opening with the out-breath. Perhaps say to yourself on the out-breath “It’s okay whatever it is, it’s okay; let me be open to it.”

Become aware of and if necessary, adjust your posture and facial expression. Have a sense of the space around you and hold everything in awareness. The sequence is like an hour-glass, wide focus followed by narrow focus followed by wide. As best you can, bring this expanded awareness to the next moments of your day.

You can use this exercise as a way to step out of automatic pilot mode and reconnect with the present moment. It is especially helpful in moments of anxiety or upset but can also be used throughout your day to reset your mind and body. 

For more information on mindfulness courses and resources visit www.bemindful.co.uk

Infertility and Depression 2 for the price of 1

The dictionary definition of infertile is:

1. Absent or diminished fertility.

2. The persistent inability to conceive a child.

And (part of) the dictionary definition of depression is:

1. A feeling of being extremely unhappy.

2. A condition in which a person is so unhappy they cannot live a normal life.

3. An area, which has sunk below its surroundings; a hollow.

I left that last description in as I think that sums up the feeling of infertility more than any of the others, it is a feeling of emptiness.

Depression is a very strong word, but also one that is overused. How many of us have had a bad day and used the phrase “I am so depressed”? The ironic thing is that once you might actually be suffering from the effects of depression, you are highly unlikely to ever use that phrase.

Signs of depression include; feeling anxious, agitated or worried, feeling like you are on the edge of tears, losing interest in friends, family and your favourite things, loss of self-confidence, being unable to concentrate on daily tasks and activities, feeling tired all the time and reduced interest in sex. The last one being particularly helpful at this time in your life!

Infertility sucks all of the joy and colour out of life and due to the fact that many couples do not tell their friends and family that are trying to conceive can mean that they are very isolated.

While I hate labels and both the words infertile and depression are depressing enough in their own right, realising that these feelings are perfectly normal, you are in no way alone in feeling like this and that there is a huge amount you can do to help yourself is the first step to positive change in your life.

Over the past two years I have spent a great deal of time researching and learning about the link between the mind and the body. The majority of sources all indicate that the same four techniques can be used to increase happiness and balance emotional and physical health; therefore increasing fertility.

1. Mindfulness

2. Gratitude

3. Connection
4. Intention

Mindfulness is a mind-body approach to well-being that can help you change the way you think about experiences and reduce stress and anxiety. It combines techniques like meditation, breathing exercises and stretching with elements of cognitive therapy to help break negative thought patterns.

Being grateful for what you have is so simple but can easily be forgotten when your life is not going to plan. Keeping a gratitude journal and listing five things you are grateful for every evening really does make a difference to how you view your life. You can start with the big things like your partner and family and then keep adding to the journal with anything and everything you are grateful for in life. On my list tonight will be Waitrose gluten-free hot cross buns. Perfection!

Connection with others is what many believe to be what life is all about. I am blessed with the support of my fantastic husband, amazing friends and loving family, but I still need support and advice from those who can really relate to what I am going through. I have built up my own support team to include; an acupuncturist, a herbalist, a mindfulness coach and the Infertility Network UK,  a fantastic charity that provides advice, information and support. On the back of this I have set up Mindful Mumas-to-be to share what I am learning and to create a support community. Please do join us if this blog resonates with you. 

Intention means deciding what you want and more importantly why you want it, setting realistic goals and working towards them in a consistent manner. In terms of fertility this could be deciding that you want to find out more about nutrition in order to ensure that you are supporting your body in the best way that you can. Your goal could be to find a nutritionalist or spend time researching on the internet and put together your own diet plan which you will then consistently follow. It is also important to create goals for every area of your life, relationship, health, work, leisure time, friends and family, to ensure that your life is balanced, rather than focusing wholly on your fertility. 

TTC 2WW LOL

So I am currently on a TTC sabbatical after years off OC BC, monitoring CD, O, CM and lots of LOL BD with DH. Impatiently waiting out the 2WW LP to POAS with FMU on a OTC FRE HPT hoping for a BFP to be PG PMS free with a EDD but no MS. 

We have tried OPK, PIO, FSH and HCG, had a HSG and numerous US, analysed CP, EW and SA, tried IUI with AI and seen an INF NP and RE. Still no BFP, DS or DD just many BFN and AF’s. Trying to up my BMI for ART IVF following LAP for ENDO. Hope this made you LOL.

LOL MM2B xxx

PS Just found out about HEPA must investigate!

PSS Yes I have far too much TOMH but this has been SF and has MMFB and MMSAGAWHDTSFYOTBAM.

PPSS OK I made the last four up!

Key to TTC Acronyms: See link below. This really is GOOH!

HEPA = Hamster Egg Penetration Assay is a real thing!

Key to my Acronyms:

MM2B = Mindful Muma-to-be

TOMH = Time on my hands

SF = Super fun

MMFB = Made me feel better

MMSAGAWHDTSFYOTBAM = Made me smile and giggle and will hopefully do the same for you on this beautiful April morning

GOOH = Getting out of hand!

Decoder to abbreviations-acronyms

Are you willing to love your future child unconditionally?

Imagine your future, your child has made a mistake. They have not lived up to your expectations. You are disappointed, upset and angry. How do you react? Do you shout? Do you tell them just how awful they have been? Do you sit them down and list every bad thing about them? Do you keep running over their mistake, time and time again, days, weeks, even months after the event?

Or would you view this mistake as part of their education? Do you explain calmly why you are upset and then how they could act differently in the future? Do you encourage them to take risks and to know that mistakes are a part of life, the way that we all learn?

Now ask yourself each of these questions again, but with a slight twist.

Are you willing to love yourself unconditionally? The first time I asked myself this question I responded with a blank. I had never even considered that this could be a question, could be a choice. The voice in my head that keeps me motivated, keeps me pushing forward and moving onwards and upwards has slowly over the years become my worst critic. “I should have tried harder. I wasn’t focused enough. I am so disappointed in myself.”

When faced with infertility and month after month of failing to succeed at the thing I want most in the world, that voice in my head has became harsher, more critical and just plain nasty. “What is wrong with me? Why is my body failing me? I’m too stressed. This is my fault. What if I never get to be a mother?”

Trying to conceive, and viewing each month you get a negative result as a failure, chips away at your self-confidence. However, developing self-compassion allows you to be kind to yourself when you need it the most, and eliminating negative self-talk allows you to handle stress in a more constructive way. 

The first step is simply to become aware of how you speak to yourself. For most of us, we are so used to talking to ourselves in a negative way that just becoming aware that this is not helpful is a massive leap forward. Whenever you notice yourself using negative self-talk evaluate if there is productive outcome to be taken, if you are telling yourself off for smoking for example, when you know this has an adverse affect on fertility, then replace with a kinder more supportive statement.

Negative self-talk	Replace with
I must stop smoking/ drinking/ working till midnight.	I now choose to put my health and that of my future child first. I can do this. I choose to do this.
Failed again!	This was just one cycle. I can be kind to myself. How can I best take care of myself at this time?
I am too stressed to get pregnant.	Take 3 deep breaths. Stressing about being stressed is not helpful! What can I do today to help myself unwind and relax?
Why is my body failing me?	My body is designed to create new life. How can I best support my body?
I will never have a baby.	I am willing to do whatever it takes to become a mother.

Learning to be more compassionate with yourself and less judgemental of situations in your life will allow you to do the same for others, which in turn will allow you to be a better parent.  You can learn to change that voice in your head that berates you and finds the negative in every situation, to a voice of compassion and, with practice, be your very own cheerleader!